


kiss kiss bang bang

by rosielibrary



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Action/Adventure, Secret Agent Reader, mission impossible: get ford to smooch u
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-06 20:05:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16839478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosielibrary/pseuds/rosielibrary
Summary: request for assassin!reader and portal!ford getting to knooooow each other(word of warning: this fic is from 2015 and unedited!)





	kiss kiss bang bang

Those hands, known across multiple dimensions. Words burned into their palms from the whispers and stares of your people, words like “killer”, “hero”, “traitor”, “savior”.

You had nothing to say about this guy. The relationship between you two was a moot point, seeing as whenever you see those six-fingered hands, they were pointing a gun– a gun, most likely, pointed at you.

He's no fun.

“Give it a rest, Sixer–” His grip on the gun tightens at the nickname, one you know gets under his skin. “– We’ve been dancing this tango for years now. Why not call it a tie?”

“I’d rather have you tied up and handed over to the police,” he retorts, and you can tell the wording gets a little garbled in his mouth.

“You want me tied up, do you?” He averts his eyes from your wide smirk, but in the dim light from this dimension’s four moons you can see he’s blushing pink. “Why, I never would’ve thought you to be the type–”

You’re cut off by him shooting at you, but he misses– he only wanted to shut you up.

“You’re quite a few feet off,” you call to him, hands on your hips. He doesn’t reply.

“You know, if you’d loosen up a little, I know we could be very good friends,” you taunt, slinking down the alleyway he’d cornered you into and shortening the gap between him and yourself. “You’re a dimensional traveler with a bounty on your head, I’m a dimensional traveler with an admittedly much larger bounty on my head, but hey. We have a lot in common, Stanford Pines.”

He flinches at that, and it only takes him a few short steps to stand inches in front of you, taking your jacket’s lapels in his hands and pulling you up to his face.

“How do you know my name?” His demand is met by a swift kick to his knee and he drops you, cursing in a language you didn’t recognize.

“I’ve been through the Galactic Federation’s files, I know quite a bit more than that,” you say, nonchalantly examining your gun holster. Pines pales at that.

“What do you know?”

“Oh, you’ve become affiliated with a certain fellow I’ve met on my travels, even if it was at some video gaming place. We didn’t do much video gaming, though.” He takes a beat to understand, but his brows raise in surprise at the suggestive tone woven into your words. “Blips and Chitz, I think the name was. Rick. That’s him. He was certainly… Intriguing.”

His brow furrows— he knows you’re not telling the whole truth. “What else?”

“Bill Cipher sound familiar?” You make a triangle with your fingers and raise it to your eye, making him step back in fear.

“Do you know him?”

“Unfortunately.” Using your teeth, you pull your glove off and show him the inside of your palm– the one with the eye carved into your skin, a scar you’d rather have forgotten the cause of, like the others on your body. “Made a deal with me a long time ago, when I was a young’un. Didn’t go so well, as you’d imagine.” Pines swallows, his gaze on his shoes. You take your opportunity.

“Now then, I’ve got an intergalactic monster to take care of. If you’ll excuse me–” You vault atop a dumpster in the alleyway, grappling hook taking you to the ceiling within seconds. Pines is left on the ground as you’re leaping from building to building, following the coordinates on your glove’s tracker until you find your target.

Foregoing the “circle cut into the ceiling” gimmick, you kick the skylight open and leap inside, the few members of security (this dimension wasn’t one known for break-ins, so the guards were more of an accessory than a necessity) getting shot down in seconds as you walk down the hall towards your target’s location. Digging in the side pocket of your pants, you find your door decoder and stick it to the lock, letting it decipher the combination and click the door open without any needless violence. You admired the door’s pretty carvings, you’d rather not spoil them.

The target in question was a monster in solitary confinement, no guards, just chains from what you assume to be its wrists and ankles to the wall. It’s smaller than you thought, only about as tall as– Pines, who, coincidentally, was right behind you.

“I can’t let you kill this creature,” he says, lifting his goggles from his face. “It’s not right.”

“It’s my assignment, Sixer–”

“Stop calling me that!”

“I have to do it, or else–”

“Or else what?”

You pause. You can’t tell him. He arches a brow at you, smug written all over his stupid face. His stupidly attractive face.

“Or else I’ll get fired,” you settle on, and it suffices as your answer.

The monster strains against its chains, its roar muffled by the muzzle on its snout. It looked like a glorified version of a minotaur, which you’d read about in a dimension that called it “mythical”— ridiculous, really, it was right there in front of you. Mythical your—

Shit, it very nearly got your ass. Maybe step back a little.

“It’s a combination between a minotaur from Greek mythology and, well…”

It moos at the two of you.

“A cow. That’s why it’s spotted, I’m guessing.”

“Not to mention the udders,” you mutter, glancing to the body part in question, which was oozing something green. Definitely not milk, or even rum, which happened on this one weird planet where most things had alcohol instead of water. Rick liked that place, you remember.

The cowataur (that works for now) pulls from the wall, and Pines retreats a step– you stay put.

Your wristlet’s telling you more information about the cowataur, so you’re reading through what the tiny screen had to say.

“Apparently the udders have some sort of antidote to everything in them,” you mumble, more to yourself than Pines. “To humans, at least. To the species that live on this planet, it’s a little more deadly.”

“Why do you need to kill this thing?” Pines moves to stand in front of the beast, looking down at you. “You said you’d get fired, but that’s not the entire story, is it?” His voice is soft, his eyes imploring, but you can’t meet them.

“No,” you mutter, but the rest of your reply is cut off by the sound of metal snapping and Pines’s cry of pain.

The cowataur had broken free, torn its muzzle off, stepped the few feet forward to you both and bit his shoulder, tearing through his multiple layers of clothing and breaking the skin. Pines’s blood stains the carpet in scarlet spots.

“Shit–” Without even thinking, you grab Pines’s hand and run, ducking out the way of the cowataur’ grasp behind a desk in the room.

“How did it get loose?” Pines asks, watching you reload your gun. He holds a hand to his shoulder, his black glove considerably darker when he pulls it away.

“Hell if I know!” Your hands shake as you put the cartridge of bright blue plasma into your ray gun, but you take a deep breath, turning to look at him.

The cowataur was wrecking a bookshelf across the room, spewing the liquid from its udders everywhere. Gross.

Wait, the liquid– the antidote to everything.

Pines is calling your name but you don’t pay attention, too fixated on the cowataur to listen. How you were going to get the antidote and kill the monster at the same time was going to be difficult, but you had to figure out a way– and fast, Pines looked paler by the second.

Thankfully, the cowataur had been locked in some sort of lab, so you were surrounded by test tubes. You grab a seemingly immaculate one amongst the shards of broken glass on the floor, and Pines asks you what you’re doing, his eyes wide.

Now or never, you guess.

“Saving your life, asshole,” you reply, leaning forward and kissing him. He squeaks in shock against your lips but you pull away too quickly for him to respond, jumping over the upended desk before you run across the room towards the cowataur, who was munching on a large science book.

The monster hears your boots against the floor and turns around, but you skid under its legs and jump up again, shooting its back twice. The cartridge you’d filled your gun with was just a stun ray, so the beast freezes in shock, giving you a solid thirty seconds to get a test tube of the antidote before you kill it.

Ducking down, you watch as it drips into the test tube, remembering you didn’t need enough to cure a disease, just a wound. Too much of it and Pines will get addicted, which can’t be cured by this. The cowataur is twitching, regaining its movement, so you put your ray gun back in the holster and switch to your other weapon, much more lethal than the first. The cowataur goes to roar in your face, spit splatting against your cheeks, and you shoot it in the mouth, watching it collapse against the wall behind you with a dark red hole in its head.

Job done.

You run back to Pines, who looked less conscious than before, and pour the antidote over his wound, watching as it stopped bleeding and became a teeth-marked scar on his shoulder. He takes a few minutes to come to, and when he does, his face looks much pinker than before.

Probably from getting all the blood vessels regenerating at once, you decide, tapping into your wristlet.

“You saved my life.”

You glance to him with a shrug. “Yeah, couldn’t have two dead bodies on my hands.”

“You kissed me.”

You press a wrong button on your wristlet. Uh–

“I did.“ Turning to face him takes a lot of effort, but you stand up and offer a hand to help him.

“Why?”

Good question. He stands next to you, that godawful smirk the only thing you can focus on.

“Spur of the moment thing,” you mutter, but he takes your chin in his hand and tilts your head up.

“Are you sure?”

Oh, you hate him. 

That’s why you close the gap between you again, but Pines wraps an arm around your waist, your bodies flush against each other.

In that exact moment, the guards open the door, around ten of them appearing in the room. Both you and Pines grab your guns and shoot five each (you’d say you got six, but he wasn’t having that), and you run out into the hallway, your grappling hook spiraling up to the skylight.

“Until next time, Pines.”

“Until we meet again.”


End file.
